 |
| Photo Credit: Pexels |
A few Years ago, while working as a classroom teacher in one skill acquisition center in Aba, Abia State, Nigeria, a married woman stormed into my office wearing a face so tight with bitterness, depression, and frustration, you’d think life had just served her a lemon without sugar. She had been bottling up some grievances and grudges in her heart against her husband and couldn’t hold it any longer; she came to tell me how she had planned to pack her bags and leave her marriage. But after counselling and talking to her for a few minutes, I found out that the things that made her want to leave her marriage are the same hidden issues many couples don’t usually talk about until it’s too late. By the grace of God through the wisdom of the scriptures and the help of the Holy Spirit, I was able to counsel this woman and make her see reasons to return to her marriage with a fresh zeal to make her marriage work.
My dear friend, let me assume you are a married person, so permit me to ask you this crucial question: what is killing your marriage and making it die slowly every day? Even if you are single, but you’re in a serious relationship with someone’s son or daughter, the same question also applies to you. I want you to believe this today: your marriage can become a heaven on earth where love, peace, unity, and companionship abide. You can make your marriage to become a beacon of hope and inspiration to other people around you, and not a byword that people remember and become afraid of getting married.
For more than two decades of doing ministry as a Pastor, I have observed with a big surprise that what is making many Christian couples fall apart in their marriage and relationship is not really a major problem, but some small, silent problems that sneak into their marriage like cancer and begin to destroy it very slowly. These silent Marriage killers have a crafty way of hiding their dangers and symptoms without them being noticed until the marriage is deeply wounded and left in a comatose state.
Are you looking for a way to protect your relationship and marriage? In this post, I am going to show you how to build a Christ-centered marriage by simply recognizing and dealing with these seven silent marriage killers. You must destroy them before they destroy your home. Now let’s get started.
1. 1. Unspoken Resentment
One of the seven silent marriage killers I want to talk about in this post is unspoken resentment. As small and negligible as this thing may be, it has destroyed many marriages and rendered some homes useless. You may ask me, “Pastor Damian, what is even unspoken resentment?”. It is those unresolved hurts, disappointments, and offenses you have against your spouse that are killing you inside gradually, yet you have refused to talk about them openly. And now that unspoken resentment has turned to bitterness that wants to defy the sweetness of your marriage. Please listen to me, if you want to make your marriage work, you must be willing and ready to talk to your spouse about anything, whether it makes sense to you or not. The truth is, couples who avoid talking about their feelings when they are hurt or offended often allow small issues to escalate and grow into walls of silence that will be difficult for them to break. When this happens, you would see couples living in the same room, yet they have not been talking to each other for the past two months. That’s a dangerous place to be, a death zone in marriage, because the devil likes it when couples begin to harbor malice toward each other. It gives the devil a loophole to strike and destroy the marriage that was once beaming with love, joy, and happiness. The Bible says,
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, and brawling and slander, along with every form of malice” (Ephesians 4:31).
The easiest way to deal with unspoken resentment is to learn to forgive easily, communicate openly, and let your spouse or partner know about your hurts with love. If you have mastered the art of forgiving in advance, there won’t be any need to keep malice with your spouse or partner. Your heart is too fragile to become a storage device for offenses against your spouse. The truth is, as long as your spouse is still a human being with flesh and blood still running in their body system, they will definitely do something that will offend you. Even if he or she says sorry and apologizes today, they may do the same thing or another thing tomorrow that you don’t like. If you are that kind of spouse or partner who has a diary where you record every mistake or offense your spouse or partner does against you, marriage will feel like hell, whereas it was designed by God to feel like heaven, but your attitude of unforgiveness and unspoken resentment is keeping you from enjoying the milk and honey in your marriage. Please let go of resentment, bitterness, and malice, and you will see the morning sun of your marriage and relationship rise again.
2. 2. Financial Stress and Secrets
Another deadly silent marriage killer is financial stress and secrets. One of the top reasons marriages collapse is money. If you counsel many Christian couples who have problems in their marriage, you will find out that their major marriage problem is a money problem. Please don’t get it contorted. Love is a beautiful thing, but love alone isn’t enough to make a marriage work. Money is important to build and sustain a happy home. While love brings the relationship or marriage, it’s money that will defend it from shame and humiliation. Sometimes, there are some married people you may think are nagging or troublesome. When you do your background checks very well, you will find out that the problem isn’t that the wife or husband is troublesome; the problem is a lack of money to afford the basic needs of life. You can’t expect someone’s daughter or son to live together with you happily without at least the basic needs of life, such as shelter, food, and clothes. A Hungry man is an angry man. When your spouse has not eaten for three days, not necessarily because he/she is fasting but because there’s no money in the house to buy food, you can’t expect him or her to behave normally. That’s the truth. This is not to scare you if you are single and contemplating getting married, please find finance before you find romance. Marriage comes with many bills to pay, and you need money to pay bills, not I love you, I love you. Hear what the Bible says, “…Money answereth all things” Ecclesiastes 10:19
If money answers to everything, marriage is also inclusive. Lack of money can bring problems into your marriage. You need to be aware of this and work hard to create viable sources of income for your family. How you see money, how you make money, and how you use and manage money in your marriage can either make or mar your marriage. Poverty or financial stress can sabotage a good marriage and even crash it, except God intervenes. Do you know what causes financial stress in marriage? It is when the whole financial burden of a family is left for only one partner to carry. No matter how much your spouse earns, it doesn’t matter if he or she is the richest billionaire in the world; never allow your spouse or partner to carry the whole financial load of your family alone. Try to support him or her, no matter how little your support may be; it will go a long way in reducing financial stress in the life of your spouse. Financial stress in marriage doesn’t always come from spiritual attack; it could be a result of financial illiteracy. As a married couple or family, please understand that hidden debts, reckless spending, or refusing to plan together financially can breed mistrust and eventually ruin your marriage. Here is my counsel: to avoid financial stress and money mistakes in your marriage, be transparent to your spouse about your income, debts, investments, and spending. Pray over your finances together with your spouse regularly and create a budget that honors God and stick to it. Should my spouse know how much I’m earning? The answer is YES! If you don’t tell your spouse how much you are earning per month, he/she may think you are earning much while in reality, your earnings are small. When your spouse doesn’t know how much you earn, he or she may be over-demanding financially or not appreciative of your good works in the marriage. Because in the mind of your spouse, you are earning billions and giving him or her a peanut.
3. 3. Unmet Emotional Needs
Another dangerous silent marriage killer is unmet emotional needs. One of the reasons God established the institution called marriage in the Garden of Eden was to create a sacred platform or system where husband and wife can help each other to meet their emotional needs. God said it is not good for a man to be alone. Sexual or emotional feelings in your spouse are not demonic; they are emotional needs that God put in your spouse for you to meet as the wife or husband. If your wife or husband is always asking you for sex, don’t complain or think your spouse is possessed by a demon. He or she is not possessed by any demon. Your spouse is only expressing an emotional need God put you in the marriage to meet. As our faces are different, so are our emotional and sexual needs. While one partner may be cool without kisses or touches for a whole week, your spouse’s emotional or sexual needs may be completely different. Please, if you want to make your marriage work, try your best to meet your spouse’s emotional and sexual needs to the best of your abilities. This is because when your spouse feels unloved, ignored, or unappreciated, it affects him or her emotionally, and whatever can affect your spouse’s emotional and sexual feelings negatively can jeopardize your marriage. It doesn’t matter how many hours you pray together every day; a lack of affection, attention, and appreciation will drain your intimacy with your spouse until it is completely dry. The Bible says,
“The Husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3). Do you want to know how to meet your spouse's emotional needs? Be intentional with small acts of love. Learn to speak kind words to your spouse even when you are not happy, give your spouse your listening ears, and quality time. Never stop chasing after your spouse.
4. 4. Busyness and Neglect
Another silent marriage killer is busyness and neglect. In today’s fast-paced world, careers, ministry, business, and parenting often take center stage while the marriage relationship with our spouse is sidelined. When spouses become too busy and neglect their husband or wife, love becomes weak and slackens, creating room for cheating and infidelity. The Bible says, “My beloved is mine and I am his” (Song of Solomon 2:16).
Marriage is a lifetime venture, and Christian couples who desire to build happy homes must be consistent in investing their time, energy, potential, and resources in each other. No one is too busy to take care of themselves when hunger bites or nature calls; in the same vein, you can’t be too busy with your work or career to the point of neglecting your spouse. Schedule regular date nights or outings with your spouse, set boundaries with your work and colleagues at work, especially the opposite gender, and find pleasure in giving your spouse your undivided attention. Sometimes, when couples complain that they don’t have any affection for their spouse, it is because someone else or something else has stolen their attention away from their spouse. Keep your attention on your spouse, and you will never lose your affection for him or her. Out of sight shouldn’t mean out of heart for your spouse. There are couples who are living two cities apart from their partner due to work, but they are in touch with their spouse daily, regardless of their distance barrier. Thank God for the wedding or engagement rings, but they are not enough to keep you together; you must learn to keep and carry your spouse in your heart everywhere you go. How many minutes or hours have passed since you remembered your spouse? When last did you speak with your husband or wife today? How many times a day do you talk to your wife or husband? You may ask, Does it really matter? I will leave you to answer that question with this statement. When you are too busy to talk to your spouse, someone is free and looking for an opportunity to talk to your spouse. Be there for your spouse; it will save your marriage from unnecessary drama.
5. 5. Pornography and Hidden Addiction
One of the silent killers of marriage is secret sins such as pornography, drug addiction, or drunkenness. These things can make your spouse lose his or her respect and trust in you and, consequently, intimacy. It can also distract your attention, affection, energy, and resources away from your spouse and family. People who are addicted to pornography find themselves lusting and burning for a strange sexual image or fantasy that doesn’t exist in real life. The Bible says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
In Jesus' words, watching pornography is tantamount to the sin of adultery. If adultery opens strange doors for demons to enter and destroy a marriage, pornography does the same thing. If God sees pornography the same way He sees the sin of adultery, then if you want God’s blessings and presence upon your marriage, you need to stay away from pornography and other evil addictions. Addiction thrives in secrecy; do your best to bring hidden sexual struggles or substance addiction into the light. Seek accountability, prayer, and professional Christian counseling if needed.
6. 6. Poor Communication
Another silent killer of marriage is poor communication. Not knowing the right thing to say can ruin someone’s happy marriage. Knowing the right thing to say and not knowing the right way to say it can also jeopardize a good marriage. The problem of many couples in the world today is poor communication. Many men and women are married to a wonderful spouse, but their mouths cannot allow them to enjoy their marriage. When I talk about poor communication in regards to this subject matter, it includes the absence of that quality heart-to-heart talk that should exist between couples. Couples who talk together frequently in love live together in peace. That silent attitude you give your spouse when both of you have a little misunderstanding can balloon to something else you didn’t imagine could happen to your spouse. When you refuse to talk to your spouse, you give the devil and his agents permission to talk to your spouse. Poor communication can corrupt a good marriage. Do you know that refusing to resolve conflicts with your spouse quickly can destroy your intimacy with your spouse and eventually your marriage unless God intervenes? Good communication is the lifeline of any marriage. The Bible says,
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
Here’s what to do: listen more than you speak, replace harsh words with gentle and kind words, and try your best to resolve conflicts with your spouse quickly before they grow and escalate into bigger problems.
7. 7. Spiritual Drift
Spiritual drift or spiritual lukewarmness is another silent marriage killer. When couples stop praying together, reading the word, or worshipping as one family, their spiritual bond weakens. A marriage without Christ at the center cannot withstand the storms of life. The Bible says,
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
What keeps and sustains marriages is not money, a luxury house, a fine car, or romance; it is when God is involved and working in that marriage. The fact that many billionaires are divorcing their spouses is proof that this thing called marriage needs more than money to succeed. The most important person you need in your marriage is God- His presence, His Word, His Power, and grace at work in your life, in the life of your spouse, and in everything that concerns your marriage. Jesus is the King of Peace. When you get Him involved in your marriage, His peace will overflow in your marriage. I counsel you today to build spiritual intimacy with your spouse and children by praying together daily as a family. Begin to study the Bible as a couple and be committed to kingdom service in your local church. Then you will see your marriage flourishing from glory to glory.
Final Thoughts
Silent marriage killers thrive in the dark. But healing begins when couples bring them into the light of God’s word and deal with them honestly. If your marriage is struggling, don’t ignore the warning signs. Pray together, communicate openly, and consider seeking Christian counselling to restore your home. Remember, marriage is not about surviving together; it’s about living in unity, love, and purpose under God’s design.
Which of these silent killers do you think is affecting most Christian marriages today? Share your thoughts in the comments. And if you feel your marriage needs extra support, consider, consider exploring trusted Christian marriage counselling resources and books that can help you rebuild intimacy and trust in God’s way.
0 Comments